Featured post

Tough Interview Questions

Job review company Glassdoor have compiled a list of the toughest interview questions by country. Here are the toughest from the UK for 20...

Happy Halloween - Haunted House

I've nearly run out of one-liners, but not quite.

1. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
2. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
3. A day without sunshine is like, night.
4. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
5. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
6. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
7. Life is too complicated in the morning.
8. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
9. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
10. Ask me about my vow of silence.

Optimist or Pessimist?

This short story illustrates how different people can look at things in different ways. 

Many years ago two salesmen were sent by a British shoe manufacturer to a far away land to investigate and report back on the market potential there.

The first salesman reported back, "There is no potential here - nobody wears shoes."

The second salesman reported back, "There is massive potential here - everyone needs shoes."

Are You a Neanderthal?

Neanderthals died out about 35,000 years ago, but they may have interbred with Homo Sapiens, so do your ancestors include their genetic markers? Try this test to find out:-

  1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
  2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, add five points.
  3. Have you got a chin? If the answer is no, add five points.
  4. How about a forehead? If not, add another five points.
  5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head?  Give yourself five points.
  6. Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? If you do add ten points.
  7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? Have another five points.
  8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for every five degrees of slope.
  9. Are you less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
  10. Are you pgeon-toed? Add five points.
  11. Have you ever felt like bashing a traffic warden with a club? You're normal--no points.
  12. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? Add ten points.
  13. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add twenty points.
  14. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give yourself ten points.
  15. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?  Add five more points.
  16. Is your nickname Duke, Butch, or Animal? Three points.

0-15 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
16 -35 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in England, no one will notice.
36-50 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.
51-70 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career as a rugby player.
71-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is completely Neanderthal. There is no place for you in human society. Try running for parliament instead.

Tribute to Norman Wisdom (4 February 1915 – 4 October 2010)

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."

"I was born in London, and went to school in Scotland - I used to be dead tired when I got home at night."

"Well if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world."

"You see, I'm still big over here (in Albania). Not anywhere else, but over here. I don't know why I'm so popular here. They (Albanians) must be raving mad."

"I was born in very sorry circumstances. So my parents felt very sorry."

"I've just been very lucky. But I've worked hard, and the harder you work, the luckier you seem to get."

Is 99.9% good enough?

Statistics are interesting things.

If we accept 99.9% accuracy as being ok then:-

* 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
* 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
* 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
* 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
* Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
* 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
* 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections... now that's a real problem!!!

Lost in translation

(Quoted from Far Eastern Economic Review September 4, 1981.)

Room Service: Morny, rune sore-bees.
Hotel Guest: Oh sorry, I thought I dialled room service.
RS: Rye, rune sore-bees. Morny. Jewish to odor sunteen?
HG: I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July then?
HG: What?
RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch ... .?
HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?
HG: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Okay. An Santos?
HG: What?
RS: Santos, July Santos?
HG: Ugh ... I don't know ... I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes?
HG: Look, I really feel bad about this, but I just don't know what judo-one-toes means. I'm sorry.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why Jew Don Juan, toes? Ow bow eenglish mopping we bother?
HG: English muffin! I've got it! Toast! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
RS: Copy?
HG: I feel terrible about this but ...
RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill.
HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino-fie, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy eenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
HG: Whatever you say.
RS: Okay. Tenjewberrymud.
HG: You're welcome.

Thanks to Chewks.

The Translation:-
Room Service:  Morning! Room service.
RS: Right.  Room service. Morning.  Do you wish to order something?
RS: How would you like them?
RS:  Eggs. How would you like them?  Fried, boiled, poached?
RS:  How would you like the bacon?  Crispy?
RS: Okay. And some toast?
RS:  Some toast.   Would you like some toast?
RS:  No?  You don't want toast?
RS: Toast! Toast! Why don't you want toast?  How about an English muffin with butter?
RS:  With butter?
RS: What?
RS: Coffee?
RS: Coffee!  Coffee, tea, milk?
RS: One minute.  As room thirteen oh five, scrambled eggs, crispy bacon, toasted English muffin with butter and honey on the side, and coffee. Right?
RS: Okay.  Thank you very much.