Featured post

Tough Interview Questions

Job review company Glassdoor have compiled a list of the toughest interview questions by country. Here are the toughest from the UK for 20...

Left or right - who's right?

Advice on how to be happy (a few rude words)

Don't worry be happy. (Now why didn't I think of that?)

The English Should be Ashamed of Themselves

I have to agree. See if you can hear all the great musicians and groups in this clip:-

Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

Computer Science
Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Electrical Engineering
You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Mechanical Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Civil Engineering
This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit
Define the universe, and give three examples.

How to be polite in German

My favourite bit?

‎"And you will spend the next 40 years, sharing an office with her, and still be calling her Frau Meyer."

A letter to the passport office - Parental Advisory

This apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office (edited a bit to make it more SFW, but there are still some swear words in it):-

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the British Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For [goodness sake], do you guys do this by hand?  My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-[ruddy]-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

I apologise. I'm really hacked off this morning. Between you and I, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my [ruddy] address!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for [goodness] sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of this poxy city to get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture.  You know, the one where we're not allowed to smile? (bureaucratic  morons). Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile even if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!


An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN GERMANY!

Thanks to James  

Question and Answer

Question - Have you hurt yourself?

Answer - Yes.

 (I feel a bit mean posting this, but he is okay, and it was funny.)

Bumoticons - Parental Advisory

(_|_) a regular a**

(_!_) a real a**

(__|__) a fat a**

(!) a tight a**

(__) a smart a**

(_._) a flat a**

(_*_) a sore a**

(_!__) a lop-sided a**

{_!_} a wobbly a**

(_o_) an a** that's been around

(_O_) an a** that's been around a lot

(_x_) kiss my a**

(_X_) leave my a** alone

(_zzz_) a tired a**

(_13_) an unlucky a**

(_$_) money coming out of his/her a**

(_?_) a dumb a**

Descriptive English - Boom!

Reality hits you hard bro. This was "songified" (not found in any dictionary - yet).

Killer Rabbit

I just read one of those "uplifting" messages on Google+, it went "If you run, make sure you're running towards something and never away." Well, whoever wrote it obviously never met a killer bunny. Run away! Run away!

Saudis in Audis

This is very silly, but it just makes me laugh, and it comes with the transcript. I'm not sure if there is any particular reason for choosing an Audi, apart from the homophonic resonance. I don't know much about car buying habits in the UAE.

Do you speak Frozzy? (Parental Advisory)

Just for Xeb - Too funny not to share, but there's some naughty language. Do you speak Frozzy?

A New Year's Wish For You

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

(Think about it.)

Happy New Year!